Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
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so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
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I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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