he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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