pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
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The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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