It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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