that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
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At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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