I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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