he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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