You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize