i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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