I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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