sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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