I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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