She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
you made out with another girl for some wings
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So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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