Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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