My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize