I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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