i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
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The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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