Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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