you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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