So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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