so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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