I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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