I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
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i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
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I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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