You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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