well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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