I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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