I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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