there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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