Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
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I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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