I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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