God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
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