new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize