Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize