when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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