have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
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Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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