I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
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Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
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Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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