she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
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Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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