My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
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according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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