It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
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Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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