youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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