I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
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She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
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I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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