Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize