I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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