why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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