I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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