Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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