My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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