wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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