can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
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I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
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It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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