just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
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Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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